breathe in, breathe out.

Its funny the difference a day makes. 

It's funny how light can fill your heart and allow your smile to reclaim it's rightful place once more. Lately I've just felt empty and alone, I attribute that to me being alone more often than not, yet sometimes is surprising how soon you forget that you are never alone, and that you always have someone willing to listen to your hearts desires. I've felt an overcoming need to listen and watch things that would uplift me lately, so that I can renew my strength, and fill the loneliness in my being. So I set out and bought some music and movies that I knew would make me feel better about life. The result was more than I expected, I had the benefit of having Madi and Aubree with me to listen and watch the movies. We were all so touched that it was an amazing and unforgettable experience. I'm so thankful that that was something that could be shared between the three of us. I've felt so much more confident and productive since that day. Even when I'm not necessarily doing anything I feel like I do have divine purpose, though sometimes I doubt the significance of the talents that I may have to provide the world.

 It's been a very spiritual and uplifting week for me in some aspects, while others have been tearing me apart. I've really had a hard time deciphering my feelings lately. I have this gut feeling, an uncomfortable gut feeling that somethings wrong. I'm acutely aware of how unhappy I am with certain things in my life. I lay awake in bed, going through thoughts and scenarios searching for an answer, and solution that would help the situation... Nothing ever comes I just feel hopeless so much of the time. 

I feel like I live my life as though I'm already married, that the decisions I make are rarely made with only myself in mind. I try to approach situations in a certain mindset, but The last couple weeks its been hard to picture my future, living the same way I do now, I just have a hard time seeing myself as a wife, even though it's something I'm constantly preparing for. What if my preparation is just as desolate as I feel?
 So much of the time, I'm away from everyone I love. My family is in Ohio, and Trey is constantly leaving...
I'm having a hard time staying optimistic, I'm still being as supportive as I can of the dreams that he is trying to reach...but what if one day comes that I can't be...  If I don't give 100 percent of myself, I feel like I'm not giving enough, I'm scared that one day I won't be able to be the support system that he needs...I never want to happen. 


I'm  independent, but it would be nice if I had Trey here for me, HERE to help me through the hard times and struggles more often. I'm just overwhelmed sometimes I know I can make it through. I always do. Everything will be fine... 
I just need to be the little train that could. 


If it wasn't for my scriptures and Church every Sunday, I'd be so lost. Hearing Trey's voice keeps me going...

muteness.

It's so hard for me to break down the reason that I feel the way I feel, when I feel it. 

It's too hard for me to open up and be vunerable when I feel as like I always need to be strong. 

It's unbelievely hard to let him leave for another three weeks when I haven't seen him but three weeks in 8 months. 

I feel like I'm enveloped in constant happiness. At work, at home, at church. Everyone is so joyful and charismatic. Not me. I used to be, but I'm just worn out. I got a raise today. Didn't even get excited because I knew I'd have no one to come home and share the experience with. Just walked into walmart and bought myself a five buck movie to celebrate by myself... Everyone keeps asking questions, keeps telling me what I should do to make sure the relationship is this and that. Telling me how strong I am to be able to do what I've been doing. Things that only make me think about him being gone... it makes it so much more challenging.

I never felt like it took strength to do what Trey and I have been doing the last 8 months, until now. 

I'm so tolled. 

I work, come home, work, come home. An occational girls night thrown in the mix. 

thats my life. I'm past hanging out every night. It's not fun anymore, hasn't been for a long while. I have nothing to do or say, simply emptiness. I just want to spend every second I can wih him, but he's hundreds of miles away. 

I miss him. I want him here, I need him to stay.

Why do I feel like that's such a crime.

gratitude.

So, It's no secret that I've been reclusive the last two weeks... Sitting at work today I realized that I just wanted to get out tonight, which is weird because lately I've just wanted to be alone. I stopped by a friends Birthday Party for a little while-classic skating was good fun [Happy Birthday Aubrey]-but then I went with Madi to see The Switch. Madi seriously just made the whole night so nice. She wouldn't let me pay for anything, she'd just step right in front of me and swipe that card of hers. It was so gracious of her, she just wanted to "take me out for a good time." I know she probably didn't think of it as much of a big deal, but it really was to me... I've been so stressed lately, and tonight really helped take some weight off my shoulders. 


SO, thank you Madi. 

p.s. the movie was incredible.