I DON'T KNOW A WORD TO DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.
HOPEFUL, HOPELESS,
FEARFUL, FAITHFUL,
COMFORTED, ALONE.
NOT A SINGLE WORD.
...
I LOVE THIS SONG.
I'VE LISTENED TO IT ON REPEAT ALL DAY.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
INFINITY and BEYOND.
So I realize I'm breaking the one post a month pattern that I've set... But I'm hoping to write in this a little more regularly. I was actually going throgh different drafts that I started a few months back and never finished.
So I thought that Maybe in one long post I could incorporate everything that I never finished.
so prepare.
:)
THANKSGIVING.
Thanksgiving was slightly different for me this year. My mother and father have been separated for almost three years, but they are now officially divorced, and my sister Heather decided to get a divorce and was in the process of getting one when Oscar and I went home to Ohio.
Thanksgiving was also my birthday this time around, so it was such a great birthday present to be able to spend thanksgiving and my birthday with the most important people, almost all of them. Thanksgiving was spent at my Aunt Loretta's house, and it turned into somewhat of a family reunion. Usually just immediate family , my aunt and her daughters pile into my moms house, which are the holidays I love. This time, it was full of people, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandma that I haven't seen since my grandfather died my freshman year of high school. So needless to say it was somewhat special for me, especially bringing home someone of my own. Oscar is the only guy I've really ever "brought home" and he was instantly accepted it seemed. Found out my cousin who is 17 is dating a 27 year old with 2 babies mommas. Interesting discovery. Thanksgiving dinner was great, my aunt did a splendid job she really did, and my immediate family+the said aunt+her daughters, kinda stayed close to each other because we are the only ones that stay in contact, but we were excited to see how everyone was doing. The first time I bring Oscar home and he gets to meet everyone, I bet he felt so lucky ;)
It was an interesting birthday, my face got shoved into the cake, a family tradition on my birthday it seems, and that was followed by a mini cake fight between my mother and I. Another tradition. I LOVED IT!!! :D
The day after thanksgiving we had ANOTHER thanksgiving dinner, this time with Pete, the ex husband of my sister. It was good to see him, and see Trey bond with both Jose (my sister Carissa's husband) and Pete. To this Thanksgiving my mom brought her new boyfriend, Bruce. sigh.
The last day we went to see my brother, I cried. Can't even begin to lie about that. He just looked so sad. So Alone. I'm not going to get into why on this, but It was hard for me to swallow my pride and I wish i would've done a better job at it, because Trey and Josh said more words to eachother than I did.
His kids were so big, they've grown so much and I swear that everytime I sat down, Jordyn Ryan had something else really "awesome" to show me. :) My legs got quite the workout. I miss my family so much.
On the way there and back Trey slept and I can't sleep on planes so I pulled all nighters, but oh wait, I have 12 nieces and nephews that don't want to sleep when I come into town. So I technically when three days with 3 hours of sleep. Lucky me. :D We pulled an all nighter for black friday and then headed to BOB EVANS- a better version of IHOP. Seriously memories I wish were captured on film. I can't tell you how much I laughed, and how good it felt seeing Trey with my family. All of the most important people in one place. Minus my father who wasn't able to attend.
Oscar with Ava Madilyn. my beautiful niece.
2nd thanksgiving. Olivia Nya. My beautiful niece.
CHRISTMAS.
Christmas was a little different for me this year as well, considering I was surrounded by beaches and 70 degree weather. We went to California to visit his family for Christmas, and it was so nice to see Trey in his element. He was grinning ear to ear the WHOLE trip. I might say that his sales tactics were somewhat overbearing ;) but it was a wonderful experience. We had the opportunity to spend most of our time with his sisters, Alejandra (Ale) and Tanya. Having the chance to get to know them, and spend one on one time with them was appreciated. Tanya, Ale and I went on a walk the minute we got there, with King. King being the family dog, who supposedly is extremely picky on who he likes- It didn't seem that way to me;)-around San Diego. We talked a little about school, and plans after school, and sports. I know the time we spent them was cherished by Oscar. He misses them so much. I don't think they know how proud he is of them, but he'll brag about them so much.
Tanya and I helped His mom cook every night, which I felt was really nice. We talked laughed, enjoyed each others company. You always hear those awkward stories about bringing people home for the first time... wasn't like that for us at all. They instantly made me feel welcome. On christmas day, we all openned presents,
and his sisters had given me a st christophers necklace, which was a huge deal. I wasn't expecting anything, and it was so thoughtful.
For those of you that don't know-because I was one of you-the st christopher necklace is a HUGE deal in California. All the surfers wear them as protection from harm, and to give one to someone else is extremely honored. I felt so. We spent Christmas Day on Coronado Island, where the family rented a bike cart thingy. I don't really remember what they are called but it seated four people, we fit six. It was fun peddling around the streets, and ONE HECK OF A WORK OUT. :D We also did Christmas Caroling, Tanya's favorite part. haha.
We seriosly did so much, I don't know how we fit it all into 3 days.
It was insane, and I was worn out every night.
Trey's birthday celebration started off with cake in California, Vegas for aqua massages, and finished with a dinosaur cake and presents at home in Utah.
Our matching PJ's from His Parents.
um yea, this seems to be a favorite.
That takes care of the Major happenings I didn't finish writing about.
now to more recent subjects that I feel need addressed.
VIVINT. Think Smarter
so lately I've been waking up feeling so grateful. I had this overwhelming feeling that I almost wept the other day, and I just couldn't believe how blessed I've been. I've been able to find and sustain two jobs, extremely quickly after my extended stay in Ohio over the summer. I have a place to live, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a healthy family who has the Gospel in their lives, I can't begin to express how thankful I am for each and every one of my nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers, mother, father. My whole family means the world to me, I wish they only knew. AND I have the love of the most amazing man and he is extremely blessed as well.
I am so grateful that Oscar works for a company that he believes in, that he has a job that not only does he excel at, but one that he genuinely enjoys. He may not want to do it his entire life, but right now it's fulfilling the wants and expectations he has, and that's all one can ask for. I know I hate him being gone so much, but I do support him and his decisions. And As an act of encouragement I'm posting this picture of my very own VIVINT. shirt. I always said I wouldn't be like the sales reps and display where I work and such. But Oscar isn't the only one that works for this company, and as an act of support to him, I will be displaying my "company pride."
The necklace is proof of my identity. :]
I always want trey to know how much I support him and love him, and the decisions he is making for us, even though sometimes i may not like them. ie: Preseason Trips.
As the closing portion of this endless entry, i know your dying for it to end, I found one last unpublished and unfinished draft.
DAYDREAMS.
So I thought that Maybe in one long post I could incorporate everything that I never finished.
so prepare.
:)
THANKSGIVING.
Thanksgiving was slightly different for me this year. My mother and father have been separated for almost three years, but they are now officially divorced, and my sister Heather decided to get a divorce and was in the process of getting one when Oscar and I went home to Ohio.
Thanksgiving was also my birthday this time around, so it was such a great birthday present to be able to spend thanksgiving and my birthday with the most important people, almost all of them. Thanksgiving was spent at my Aunt Loretta's house, and it turned into somewhat of a family reunion. Usually just immediate family , my aunt and her daughters pile into my moms house, which are the holidays I love. This time, it was full of people, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandma that I haven't seen since my grandfather died my freshman year of high school. So needless to say it was somewhat special for me, especially bringing home someone of my own. Oscar is the only guy I've really ever "brought home" and he was instantly accepted it seemed. Found out my cousin who is 17 is dating a 27 year old with 2 babies mommas. Interesting discovery. Thanksgiving dinner was great, my aunt did a splendid job she really did, and my immediate family+the said aunt+her daughters, kinda stayed close to each other because we are the only ones that stay in contact, but we were excited to see how everyone was doing. The first time I bring Oscar home and he gets to meet everyone, I bet he felt so lucky ;)
It was an interesting birthday, my face got shoved into the cake, a family tradition on my birthday it seems, and that was followed by a mini cake fight between my mother and I. Another tradition. I LOVED IT!!! :D
The day after thanksgiving we had ANOTHER thanksgiving dinner, this time with Pete, the ex husband of my sister. It was good to see him, and see Trey bond with both Jose (my sister Carissa's husband) and Pete. To this Thanksgiving my mom brought her new boyfriend, Bruce. sigh.
The last day we went to see my brother, I cried. Can't even begin to lie about that. He just looked so sad. So Alone. I'm not going to get into why on this, but It was hard for me to swallow my pride and I wish i would've done a better job at it, because Trey and Josh said more words to eachother than I did.
His kids were so big, they've grown so much and I swear that everytime I sat down, Jordyn Ryan had something else really "awesome" to show me. :) My legs got quite the workout. I miss my family so much.
On the way there and back Trey slept and I can't sleep on planes so I pulled all nighters, but oh wait, I have 12 nieces and nephews that don't want to sleep when I come into town. So I technically when three days with 3 hours of sleep. Lucky me. :D We pulled an all nighter for black friday and then headed to BOB EVANS- a better version of IHOP. Seriously memories I wish were captured on film. I can't tell you how much I laughed, and how good it felt seeing Trey with my family. All of the most important people in one place. Minus my father who wasn't able to attend.
Oscar with Ava Madilyn. my beautiful niece.
CHRISTMAS.
Christmas was a little different for me this year as well, considering I was surrounded by beaches and 70 degree weather. We went to California to visit his family for Christmas, and it was so nice to see Trey in his element. He was grinning ear to ear the WHOLE trip. I might say that his sales tactics were somewhat overbearing ;) but it was a wonderful experience. We had the opportunity to spend most of our time with his sisters, Alejandra (Ale) and Tanya. Having the chance to get to know them, and spend one on one time with them was appreciated. Tanya, Ale and I went on a walk the minute we got there, with King. King being the family dog, who supposedly is extremely picky on who he likes- It didn't seem that way to me;)-around San Diego. We talked a little about school, and plans after school, and sports. I know the time we spent them was cherished by Oscar. He misses them so much. I don't think they know how proud he is of them, but he'll brag about them so much.
Tanya and I helped His mom cook every night, which I felt was really nice. We talked laughed, enjoyed each others company. You always hear those awkward stories about bringing people home for the first time... wasn't like that for us at all. They instantly made me feel welcome. On christmas day, we all openned presents,
and his sisters had given me a st christophers necklace, which was a huge deal. I wasn't expecting anything, and it was so thoughtful.
For those of you that don't know-because I was one of you-the st christopher necklace is a HUGE deal in California. All the surfers wear them as protection from harm, and to give one to someone else is extremely honored. I felt so. We spent Christmas Day on Coronado Island, where the family rented a bike cart thingy. I don't really remember what they are called but it seated four people, we fit six. It was fun peddling around the streets, and ONE HECK OF A WORK OUT. :D We also did Christmas Caroling, Tanya's favorite part. haha.
We seriosly did so much, I don't know how we fit it all into 3 days.
It was insane, and I was worn out every night.
Trey's birthday celebration started off with cake in California, Vegas for aqua massages, and finished with a dinosaur cake and presents at home in Utah.
Our matching PJ's from His Parents.
That takes care of the Major happenings I didn't finish writing about.
now to more recent subjects that I feel need addressed.
VIVINT. Think Smarter
so lately I've been waking up feeling so grateful. I had this overwhelming feeling that I almost wept the other day, and I just couldn't believe how blessed I've been. I've been able to find and sustain two jobs, extremely quickly after my extended stay in Ohio over the summer. I have a place to live, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a healthy family who has the Gospel in their lives, I can't begin to express how thankful I am for each and every one of my nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers, mother, father. My whole family means the world to me, I wish they only knew. AND I have the love of the most amazing man and he is extremely blessed as well.
I am so grateful that Oscar works for a company that he believes in, that he has a job that not only does he excel at, but one that he genuinely enjoys. He may not want to do it his entire life, but right now it's fulfilling the wants and expectations he has, and that's all one can ask for. I know I hate him being gone so much, but I do support him and his decisions. And As an act of encouragement I'm posting this picture of my very own VIVINT. shirt. I always said I wouldn't be like the sales reps and display where I work and such. But Oscar isn't the only one that works for this company, and as an act of support to him, I will be displaying my "company pride."
I always want trey to know how much I support him and love him, and the decisions he is making for us, even though sometimes i may not like them. ie: Preseason Trips.
As the closing portion of this endless entry, i know your dying for it to end, I found one last unpublished and unfinished draft.
DAYDREAMS.
"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering"
...
Lately I've been in one of those moods... the ones that lead to daydreaming and fantasy lands. Ones that lead to thoughts of kingdoms and happiness. We all know that kingdoms come with Queens and Kings, and lately I've wondered idly when I'll become one.
That was the direct statement I wrote on this specific draft. haha. I laughed at myself when I reread it, simply because of how honest I was.
Dude. I want to marry Oscar.
Simply put.
I feel like the reason it's so funny to me is because if you knew me a few years ago, the word marriage would never escape my lips. Oscar definitely took care of any misguided fear that I had of marriage...so much so that I get apprehensive at times. I think about children and marriage a lot, it's kind of embarrassing to admit.
I will wait.
I can wait.
I don't expect us to get married right now, and I can't say how grateful I am that we didn't jump straight into marriage when we realized it's what we wanted. We waited, and gained more experience with each other. Learned to communicated better, learned each others personalities, likes, dislikes, we still are learning. I would love to marry him now, but I'm still so happy learning him.
The End.
Isaiah and I, over summer. <3
...
Lately I've been in one of those moods... the ones that lead to daydreaming and fantasy lands. Ones that lead to thoughts of kingdoms and happiness. We all know that kingdoms come with Queens and Kings, and lately I've wondered idly when I'll become one.
That was the direct statement I wrote on this specific draft. haha. I laughed at myself when I reread it, simply because of how honest I was.
Dude. I want to marry Oscar.
Simply put.
I feel like the reason it's so funny to me is because if you knew me a few years ago, the word marriage would never escape my lips. Oscar definitely took care of any misguided fear that I had of marriage...so much so that I get apprehensive at times. I think about children and marriage a lot, it's kind of embarrassing to admit.
I will wait.
I can wait.
I don't expect us to get married right now, and I can't say how grateful I am that we didn't jump straight into marriage when we realized it's what we wanted. We waited, and gained more experience with each other. Learned to communicated better, learned each others personalities, likes, dislikes, we still are learning. I would love to marry him now, but I'm still so happy learning him.
The End.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not ♥
"It was the best dang kiss that I'd ever had
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask
For your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band
And I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me
...
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask
For your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band
And I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me
...
Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I love you a lot
I think we've got a real good shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not."
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I love you a lot
I think we've got a real good shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not."
Trey and I have so much fun together. I wonder sometimes how I was so blessed as to have meet him, let alone have him for myself. The last couple of days we stayed extremely busy, running errands, running late for work, generic tennis at the park, a wonderful dinner with friend, tumbling and Jump On It, Super Bowl Sunday with our friends. It's different how much the activities have changed from so many activities with guys or girls nights last year, now the majority of the time we are together. We hardly ever see friends, but we are enough for each other. His company really makes me feel whole. I know I know, cliche. I feel like this is what our life will be like forever.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
breathe in, breathe out.
Its funny the difference a day makes.
It's funny how light can fill your heart and allow your smile to reclaim it's rightful place once more. Lately I've just felt empty and alone, I attribute that to me being alone more often than not, yet sometimes is surprising how soon you forget that you are never alone, and that you always have someone willing to listen to your hearts desires. I've felt an overcoming need to listen and watch things that would uplift me lately, so that I can renew my strength, and fill the loneliness in my being. So I set out and bought some music and movies that I knew would make me feel better about life. The result was more than I expected, I had the benefit of having Madi and Aubree with me to listen and watch the movies. We were all so touched that it was an amazing and unforgettable experience. I'm so thankful that that was something that could be shared between the three of us. I've felt so much more confident and productive since that day. Even when I'm not necessarily doing anything I feel like I do have divine purpose, though sometimes I doubt the significance of the talents that I may have to provide the world.
It's been a very spiritual and uplifting week for me in some aspects, while others have been tearing me apart. I've really had a hard time deciphering my feelings lately. I have this gut feeling, an uncomfortable gut feeling that somethings wrong. I'm acutely aware of how unhappy I am with certain things in my life. I lay awake in bed, going through thoughts and scenarios searching for an answer, and solution that would help the situation... Nothing ever comes I just feel hopeless so much of the time.
I feel like I live my life as though I'm already married, that the decisions I make are rarely made with only myself in mind. I try to approach situations in a certain mindset, but The last couple weeks its been hard to picture my future, living the same way I do now, I just have a hard time seeing myself as a wife, even though it's something I'm constantly preparing for. What if my preparation is just as desolate as I feel?
So much of the time, I'm away from everyone I love. My family is in Ohio, and Trey is constantly leaving...
I'm having a hard time staying optimistic, I'm still being as supportive as I can of the dreams that he is trying to reach...but what if one day comes that I can't be... If I don't give 100 percent of myself, I feel like I'm not giving enough, I'm scared that one day I won't be able to be the support system that he needs...I never want to happen.
I'm independent, but it would be nice if I had Trey here for me, HERE to help me through the hard times and struggles more often. I'm just overwhelmed sometimes I know I can make it through. I always do. Everything will be fine...
I just need to be the little train that could.
If it wasn't for my scriptures and Church every Sunday, I'd be so lost. Hearing Trey's voice keeps me going...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
muteness.
It's so hard for me to break down the reason that I feel the way I feel, when I feel it.
It's too hard for me to open up and be vunerable when I feel as like I always need to be strong.
It's unbelievely hard to let him leave for another three weeks when I haven't seen him but three weeks in 8 months.
I feel like I'm enveloped in constant happiness. At work, at home, at church. Everyone is so joyful and charismatic. Not me. I used to be, but I'm just worn out. I got a raise today. Didn't even get excited because I knew I'd have no one to come home and share the experience with. Just walked into walmart and bought myself a five buck movie to celebrate by myself... Everyone keeps asking questions, keeps telling me what I should do to make sure the relationship is this and that. Telling me how strong I am to be able to do what I've been doing. Things that only make me think about him being gone... it makes it so much more challenging.
I never felt like it took strength to do what Trey and I have been doing the last 8 months, until now.
I'm so tolled.
I work, come home, work, come home. An occational girls night thrown in the mix.
thats my life. I'm past hanging out every night. It's not fun anymore, hasn't been for a long while. I have nothing to do or say, simply emptiness. I just want to spend every second I can wih him, but he's hundreds of miles away.
I miss him. I want him here, I need him to stay.
Why do I feel like that's such a crime.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
gratitude.
So, It's no secret that I've been reclusive the last two weeks... Sitting at work today I realized that I just wanted to get out tonight, which is weird because lately I've just wanted to be alone. I stopped by a friends Birthday Party for a little while-classic skating was good fun [Happy Birthday Aubrey]-but then I went with Madi to see The Switch. Madi seriously just made the whole night so nice. She wouldn't let me pay for anything, she'd just step right in front of me and swipe that card of hers. It was so gracious of her, she just wanted to "take me out for a good time." I know she probably didn't think of it as much of a big deal, but it really was to me... I've been so stressed lately, and tonight really helped take some weight off my shoulders.
SO, thank you Madi.
p.s. the movie was incredible.
SO, thank you Madi.
p.s. the movie was incredible.
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